May 2016 - Elena Paige

Anger Rules Me


It’s a hard, difficult to digest realisation: Anger Rules Me!

Most of the time I live in complete denial of this. I appear pretty calm, seem in control, act towards others with fairness and interest. Me angry? No way!

Yet every time I go to the Chinese Medicine Doctor he says “bad liver, too much anger”. “Seriously?” I ask. Do you know all the spiritual practises I engage in, the foods I eat, herbs and supplements I ingest designed specifically to clear the liver, the exercise I do and the emotional effort I give to stay calm and happy no matter how angry I really am?

Ah ha, I muse, there it is: how calm and happy I work to be even though I’m really angry. I suddenly realise I am a really angry person!  I’m angry at myself probably a million times a day – for being too fat, ugly, sickly, unlikeable, selfish, disorganised, scattered, uncommitted, and plain old angry.

Deep down, I’m angry at the cat for getting white fur all over the backyard and having to clean it up even though I can’t be bothered. I’m angry at my kids for loving their iPads more than me! I’m angry at my husband for thinking the world revolves around money, and angry at my parents for sucking as parents (don’t they, or we, all?). Oh and did I mention I’m angry at myself for sucking as a parent, a friend, partner, housewife, businesswoman, person, basically sucking at everything!!

What to do? Well we all will cycle back through anger time and time again I come to realise, just as we will cycle through everything else including judgment, worry and even excitement. According to Chinese Medicine we’re meant to cycle through each emotion and not stay in any one emotion too much or for too long.

So I stare today’s anger in the face and do the only sensible thing I can do- I LAUGH AT IT! I don’t take it seriously. I don’t take it on. I see it for what it is: a house built on a foundation of victim thinking, of false accusations and negative emotions that aren’t even real. I recognise that I choose anger to give me power, to deepen my drama, to give me an out. Anger is like my best friend and my greatest enemy. So I laugh at it! I stop taking it seriously and I recognise it has no real power to change a thing, but instead keeps me stuck in a horrible cycle of self denial and blame. I laugh at it and let it be. I don’t try to convince it of anything. I don’t get more angry at the anger itself fuelling it, and I don’t try to psychoanalyse it. I laugh at it! That’s all.

My son, who is often highly strung and angry (gee I wonder where he gets that from!) is like a different child this year.

I ask him “Do you think this is because of your teacher this year?”

He replies instantly and innocently “No, its because of you. You’re not angry at me anymore.”

And there it is. One sentence. One simple truth.

I laugh in response. “Me angry?” I joke. “Never!”

We laugh together, melting away 10 long years of anger shared together. In that instant all anger is forgotten.

Us angry ever? Never! Just laughing, light hearted friends!